How to get out of a boring conversation!

I keep getting cornered by people (some of whom I'm related to) who think that their long-winded monologues are of interest to me; and because I was raised to be polite (and also because I'm basically cowardly), I've never quite mastered the art of politely and tactfully conveying the message: "Could you please stop, because I have something more interesting I need to do, like working, or pounding sand down a rathole."

But just now in the coffee break room, I found myself in that situation, and tried something that actually worked: I waited till there was a lull in the monologue, and started in on my OWN monologue.

The perpetrator in question was describing an episode of "CSI" (I forget which city) he'd recently seen involving a woman who ate a seed which made everything taste sweet, and naturally that meant she ate a cup of arsenic and died a horrible death.

Now I wouldn't have minded that brief description, but he was going into excruciating detail, like describing every moment of the episode from beginning to end, including commercials.

So when he got to the second commercial break, I jumped in with a long-winded description of a similar situation in the movie "Suspicion", starring Cary Grant and Joan Fontaine, which was based on a far superior book by Francis Iles called "Before the Fact".

I described how the protagonist, Lila, had met a mystery writer who revealed to her that she knew of a substance which everyone had in their kitchens which was instantly poisonous and completely undetectable to medical examiners, and then described how that information was used, both in the book and in the movie.

By the time I got to the point of describing how the producers of the movie had gotten cold feet and refused to allow Cary Grant to actually go through with committing murder, as opposed to the book version, my companion had discreetly gulped down his coffee (still hot and presumably quite sweet), wished me a happy holiday weekend, and beat a hasty retreat.

I'm going to try this on some of my relatives this weekend. If it works, I'll let you know. Hmm - maybe I'll write a self-help book about it! Keep your eyes on Amazon - nyuk nyuk!

The Three Stoogettes!

OK, so here's the basic plot:

Mona, Lori and Curly Joanna are three beauticians who really, really shouldn't have made it through cosmetology school. But they all have rich, indulgent parents, all of whom own stock in the school, so the teachers decided they'd rather license total incompetents than lose their jobs.

So Mo, Lori and Curly set up their own beauty shop, right smack dab in the middle of Beverly Hills. On their first day of business, they offer free permanent waves to all walk-in customers. What a deal! I can't see anything going wrong with that - can you? (nyuk nyuk)

Let's see how the guys handled a similar situation:

We interrupt my plans for an all-female Three Stooges movie (The Three Stoogettes) to bring you ...

... this amazingly cool video which I found on Youtube today!



Enjoy!

Meanwhile, the plot's thickenin' - that's "th", not "s" (nyuk nyuk!) - in re: the Three Stoogettes movie! In case you've forgotten, in my last post wayyyy off in the distant past, I promised to reveal my proposed cast.

Well, I'll do that next time. However, let me just say that after her unfortunate breakdown following the RIDICULOUSLY STUPID failure of "Britain's Got Talent" to award her their top prize, I've decided not to cast dear Susan Boyle in the "Larry" role, as I'd originally planned.

Not that I don't think she'd do a super job, but frankly, it looks like she needs some time away from show biz.

Hang in there, sweetie! The whole world knows you got done dirt! Don't let it keep you from recording your album - some of us have already put in
our pre-orders!

The Stoogettes, or Why Not Me?

As long-time readers of my website know, there are plenty of women out there who not only LIKE the Three Stooges, they totally IDENTIFY with them.

Who among us hasn't had a day when she feels like Moe - surrounded by idiots?

Or Larry, who TOTALLY understood the trauma of the Bad Hair Day?

Or Curly, often misjudged because of his weight, even though he was a LOVELY dancer!

Yes, we women have a LOT in common with the Three Stooges!

So why this constant insistence by misguided males like Randy Fiedler of the Waco Tribune that we don't?

I say it's time for a new Three Stooges movie. But unlike
the Farrelly Brothers, I have a vision for something even greater:

The Stoogettes!!!

Yes, that's right - a brand new Three Stooges movie with an all-FEMALE cast!

Why not? I've already picked out two of the leads - and have a modest proposal for the third.

All of which I'll reveal - next week! Nyuk nyuk!

Susan Boyle: The Revenge of Hyacinth Bucket!

Wow, Stooges fans and others - have you seen this video of Susan Boyle yet?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KiGva9dV4

If not, go ahead and watch - I'll wait.

[thumbs twiddling]

Oh, you're back? Great! Well, wipe the tears from your face, and tell me if that isn't the most WONDERFUL thing you've seen in a long time? Because I know it sure is for me!

I have watched that video so many times I've lost count - and I always, ALWAYS cry at that wonderful moment when the music comes up, Susan begins to sing, and the jaws start dropping!

Which made me think - one of the reasons people may have been skeptical about Susan being a good singer (before she opened her mouth!) is that she bears a striking resemblance (IMHO) to one Hyacinth Bucket:



So when the judges saw her, they were sort of primed to react like Emmett - as were we all!

But Susan, wonderful Susan, proved to be Hyacinth's Revenge!

See, there's this idea that us horizontally challenged women over a certain age are just naturally objects of ridicule. Of course it's unfair. But it's the way things are.

Until now!

Susan, you did it! When you broke through that wall of contempt and made that audience your own, you did it for all of us Hyacinth Buckets* out there!

THANK YOU!!!

(* Sorry - that's BOUQUET!)

How the Internet Works

For those who, like my dad, wonder just how this Internet thingy works, as far as finding any useful information at all - here's what happened during the space of about half an hour, last Friday:

I was reading this thread at the MobileRead forum about a new book by Joss Whedon. I didn't really know who he is, so I Googled him and got his Wikipedia entry.

Among other things, it said he was an atheist. For whatever reason, that made me think of Antony Flew, the atheist philosopher who became a deist. So I navigated to Antony Flew's Wiki page.

At the bottom, there was a link to a section called "Former atheists and agnostics". I was surprised to see Ted Turner listed there, as I hadn't heard anything about his converting. But sure 'nuff, his Wiki page says that he's "made peace with organized religion, prayed to God daily, and had joined with the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod and the United Methodist Church to fight malaria.[11] ", so there!

And of course, I remembered that his wife, Jane Fonda, had had a much more well-known conversion to Christianity. So I clicked on Jane's link.

And since "Nine to Five" is the movie I know her best from, I clicked on that link and, among other things, read about the short-lived TV series, in which an actress named Valerie Curtin had played Jane's role of "Judy Bernly".

Valerie Curtin's link gave a little more info about the TV series - specifically, that during the third season, James Komack took over as executive producer.

Well, gee, I remember James Komack very well! See, when I was 12 years old, I had a HUGE crush on the late, great Bill Bixby, but came close to getting a crush on Jimmy Komack as well, when I saw him as "Norman" in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father".

So naturally, I clicked on James Komack's link, and was a bit surprised to read the following:

Komack was widely believed to be the illegitimate son of Milton Berle. In his autobiography, Berle describes an encounter with the producer of a hit 1970's show, (probably Welcome Back Kotter) and got pitched for a role in another series (probably "The Man" in Chico in the Man). Berle said he didn't know the guy already had a hit show and was probably trying to hustle him to get a leg up as a producer. He wrote that it wasn't until later that he learned that this was the illegitimate son whom he had pined for ever since he'd had an affair with a would-be movie starlet back in the 1920s. By the time he came around, the role was cast with someone else - probably Jack Albertson.

Uh … EXCUSE ME?

See, I actually read Milton Berle's tell-all-but-don't-use-any-real-names autobiography, which was published in 1975. Though I was just a slip of a goil (nyuk nyuk!), I remember quite very well Uncle Miltie's story about his fling with a beautiful starlet who got pregnant, dumped him, and married someone else, allowing Milton's son to be passed off as his.

Miltie (and his ghost writer, Haskel Frankel) went to great pains to disguise the identities of everyone involved, but apparently whoever wrote the Wiki entry did some excellent detective work, or at least is one hell of a good guesser.

Now ever since I read Berle's book, I wondered if I'd ever find out who his mystery son was. When he died, in 2002, there was a little talk about it, but it didn't go anywhere. His adoptive son, Billy Berle, wrote a really disgusting and almost unreadable bio of his dad which shed no light on the subject at all. And after that, no one really seemed interested anymore.

I found a couple of photos of the gentlemen in question:

I can see a resemblance - can you? It seems plausible to me!

And that, Dad, is how you find information on the Internet!

Tired of all those "very special episodes" of ER?

Here's the antidote!



Nyuk nyuk! Thanks, on Youtube!
MinisodeNetwork at Youtube!